Monday, November 2, 2009

A thinning expectation.

I used to be so into relationship, because I believed it can be my moral fiber. But honestly now, my expectation in developing a relationship, respectively in love relationship with a girl, is thinning.

Before that, let me share something about myself.

I am fascinated by human behavior. I love to analyze people, events, and ideas. I can do this all day long, and I enjoy profiling people. I mean, you can almost predict what they will do next, and sometimes you got it right, like spot on and you know you weren't just guessing, you clearly 'see' the pattern.

Some of my close friends often come to me and usually ask for so-called 'advice', or I'd prefer to call it 'opinion from a different point of view'. I'm not quite sure why they'd come to me anyway, maybe I love to listen, I don't know. Well maybe I'm just being honest in my opinion(s), and I believe that's exactly what we all need now. So many dishonest people around us to a point that we don't feel comfortable or not used to being honest or receiving honest remarks.

Okay, speaking of relationship, I said earlier, my expectation is thinning. I used to have all these wild and beautiful imaginations about a perfect relationship, like loving, respect, loyal, honest, responsibility, and the sorts. But now, it's thinning. It's because of few things/incidents/cases. Things that happened to these people who came to me to seek some of my utter bullshit opinions, and things that happened to myself more than everything.

I learned a lot from my past experience, and I'm like really trying hard to not make the same mistake again and end up back at the square one again and again. But we are all human, aren't we? No matter how many times we try to learn from our mistakes, we kept ourselves busy by denying them. Self-centred, vain, selfish and ungrateful bastards we all are.

So, I see things, I listen to the drama behind all these stories, I exclude them and I go down to the core of the problem(s). Then I deliver my opinion(s). Most of them couldn't take it, or disagree with my opinion(s), which I don't mind at all. That's why they come to me in the first place, to listen to something they don't wanna hear, things that they are so busy denying. But I don't mind, everybody is entitled to their own opinion and choice. I'd still be happy I could be of a help, in any small ways.

The biggest disadvantage to me in this system is that, I can't apply it to myself. I can't. I can't read, or analyze or predict my own relationship. Why? Because like I said, whenever I deliver my opinion(s), I've excluded the drama and emotions attached to the topic. So I can't do that in my relationship, because it involves either one of those two, if not both. It's like the bomoh nombor ekor myth that they can predict your 4-digit number, but they can't do it for themselves. It's like a curse like any superheroes for example The Incredible Hulk, he's destructively strong but he's GREEN. Or take a look at Superman, he can fly and he's mighty and whatnot, but he is still until today, being laughed at for wearing the underwear outside.

Right now, like literally now, I'm really not sure about myself. I really like this one girl, but I just don't know what to do. If I show too much attention, she'll get bored, if I don't, she might think that I'm not that into her. Should I put some standard of expectation? Or should I not, at all? I'm sure she knows that I like her, a lot. But she keeps giving me these mixed signals you know, one day she'd be very attending and caring, the next day she didn't text me at all.

Is she taking me for a ride around town, for sight-seeing? I don't know.

I know girls like her must have a lot of admirers or guys waiting in line. Yes, I am one of them but if she's smart enough, she'll know that I have so much to offer (except material). I'm a broke bloke but I have so much more than what money can buy.

I mean, I can totally understand if people wanna take things slowly, get to know each other better, make sure the right decision is made blah blah blah. But how slow does it have to be? Why can't we just skip all the slow parts, move straight away to establishing a real and steady relationship and enjoy the moment while we still have it? Time is the most important resource of all, and it's not ours. Time is the only thing we can't take back, or go around.

Imagine this; it's like both of us are sitting on a boat in the middle of a lake, and I've jumped in the water and swimming and diving and having so much fun flapping my legs and hands, and you are having fun watching me too. You wanted to jump too, but you are still afraid and unsure at the same time even though you know I'm already in the water. You keep on testing the water with your legs and hands to make sure you are ready or aware with the water temperature. But still, you didn't jump in yet, because now you are still not sure about the depth of the lake. You ask me to check out the depth, and so I did. The lake is deep, I said, but don't worry, I'm here. I'll take care of you. Still, you are not convinced. I'm all soaking wet now baby, why don't you just jump and have fun with me?

I'm all soaking wet, cold, and alone in this lake, why don't you jump and be miserable with me?

For that, I wrote something for her. Yes, YOU. You know who you are, and I know you are reading this. This is for YOU.

I like challenge, that's why I like you
You're like a puzzle with no clue
Like a series of codes I'm yet to break
But I'll crack it whatever it takes

They say I don't have to put much effort
I just have to give her some carrots
Told me to play a bit with her mind
Let her slowly bite and she's all mine

What? No, she ain't no rabbit!
I don't wanna make it a habit
That's not how I pull my gambit
That's not magic, that's tragic!

(Girl) Let's put this to an end
(Girl) Let's walk together holding hands
Let me be your greatest fan
Coz you'll make me a better man

Take my finger and don't ever let go.


Dem mi!


weed and alcohol said...

Even though I didn't get the pleasure of reading this entry until the end, it's a job well done, I must say. A lake ha? Nice one. The thing is mate, you are a hopeless romantic. Your problem is your expectation. Your enemy is yourself. Expect more from yourself, not others. The world revolves around the Sun.

Budak Nakal said...

This is the funniest comment I've ever received. Who says weed and alcohol adds to the social turmoils?

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