Valentine Mode #6: The Art of Love(making).

Hey young world.

We are almost at the peak of our Special Edition Valentine Mode Series, by none other than His Royal Naughtyness.

I have put a lot of thoughts in my Valentine Mode Series, whether or not it benefits any of you, is beyond my power. If you READ, and you THINK, and then you DO, you will make the difference. Otherwise, take it as my syok sendiri project lah.

So, we are down to the second last of the series. Well if you read the title, it's a self-explanatory. Why do I have to put "(making)" in brackets? Because it contains material that could be omitted without destroying or altering the meaning of a sentence. Ho ho ho.

Today is the 13th of February, a.k.a. Valentine's Day Eve. What did you usually do in the previous year(s)? I will not have to answer that. But HOW do we do it this year? Now that, let me tell ya.

The content I am posting below is categorised as an Adult Material, therefore I shall not be, in any way, accused nor blamed nor defamed for any social deterioration and culture shock.

Here I present you The Art of Love(making). It is put in alphabetical order and in no way reflects my personal preferences nor my partner's.

Ladies and gentlemen, whether you are a lady or a gentleman or even in between confusion, please, BE GENTLE.

Enjoy, fuckers.

Oh, enlarge by click, just like my dick.

*******

Time Start: 12:10 PM
Energy: 60%

































Time Finish: 12:13 PM
Energy: 56%
Position Accomplished: 32

Comment: Relatively fast, efficient energy consumption, extremely versatile.

*******

Well there you go.

In case you get confused, the BLUE is the one who FUCK and the PINK is the one being FUCKED. Gender is irrespective.

Please be reminded that this is a knowledge. It has been used for thousand of years and therefore it will not stop anytime soon. Just like smoking marijuana.

To all, enjoy your love(making) session(s).
*It is put in brackets in case you got LUCKY.

Dem yuh!

My first try :)

I think I'll start WRITING, instead of TYPING. More authentic, don't you think so?

Dem yuh!

Hitting the Bars!

To support my healthier lifestyle after I stopped smoking. I'll start jogging today. Hit the gym (if I found a cheap one) and keep the fitness throughout Ramadhan. Anyone?

Dem yuh!

I stop, but I don't quit...

Smoking.

Ha ha ha.

It's been almost a week. Wait, let me recall.... Yep I stopped last Wednesday.

Fuck what a boring topic!

Actually it was rather unplanned. I went out with my sister that afternoon, went here and there accompanying her, and went for a date later on. And I FORGOT to smoke throughout. Can you fucking believe it? I FORGOT. How the hell a smoker forgets to smoke?? I mean, it's already in their blood, right?

I guess it's not in my blood, yet. You tell me. I don't know, I started smoking wayyyyy back, since I was in Standard 6, in primary school. Yep, I kid you not. I'm talking about the REAL smoking thing; you puff, you inhale, those things. Not the puff-puff like whores or wannabes you see trying to look cool.

Well, can't blame me. I lived in a ghetto area in Kepong when I was a kid. Kids there, they don't really mix up with the outside world (that time) and there were not many things to do except playing soccer, BMX, rempit, video arcade games (the illegal, black-tint glass joints) and smoke while they're on these activities. Owh, and gang-fighting every now and then. That area, is a balanced mix of Malays, Chinese and Indians. So they thought, "Ahh, this place is a true definition of Malaysia mix races and cultures." Well yeah true also, but not really for the kids. Or the adolescents. We fought on a regular basis. He he he. It's normal, that's how boys learn.

Then about a year after I started smoking, I stopped. Reason being, I went to a boarding school. A fucking strict one. Like a military school. Stopped for about couple of years, until I got my PMR (Penilaian Menengah Rendah) result in Form 3. Eight straight fucking-A's. Woohoo! Let's smoke again!

It's a reverse thing, I guess. Usually people start something bad (mind you readers, BAD doesn't mean it's literally BAD here, it's only a social perception or bigot. ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE WHETHER IT'S GOOD OR BAD YOURSELF) because they are depressed or something, not otherwise. But me, I do it because I want to. That's how I reward myself. By doing something contradicting.

So I continued smoking again for years, and in between sometimes I stopped for a while, from a few days over the weekends to a few months the longest. No particular reason. Normal stuff.

I consider myself as a social smoker, honestly. I don't know why. I think because I can smoke as much as two bloody King Size boxes a day or I can just smoke one stick the next day. Like I said, it must not be in my blood yet.

I never experienced any withdrawal stage/syndrome whenever I don't smoke or I stopped. Not once. So whenever people tell me about the syndrome such as discomfort, distress, intense craving, fatigue, pain, anxiety and depression, I told them I never had those issues. Maybe because I ONLY STOPPED, NOT QUIT. Maybe. Because I know, I can start again whenever I want, without feeling guilty. He he he. Nice move.

Anyway, back to my story again. Yes I stopped smoking. Been six days already. I hope I'll stop smoking forever, and I will never use the term QUIT. Not because I have responsibility issue or commitment issue, but it's just because to me it's not a bad thing or wrong to start again if I want to.

There's no RIGHT or WRONG, or GOOD or BAD;
only CONSEQUENCES.

Don't get me wrong, if any of you would wanna stop or quit smoking, by all means, please. If it's something that will improve your life in any possible way, you should do it.

But, if you think smoking will get you new businesses, better lifestyle, hot chicks, then why not, right? Ha ha ha...

It's a personal preference, really. Would you say vegetarians are stupid? Why would someone gave up on meat? It's the best thing you can eat! It's a personal preference. Maybe they believe in something, they have experienced something, or maybe they just wanna get laid with a vegetarian supermodel therefore they become a vegetarian themselves. You do something because you have to do it, or you wanna do it. It's your choice.

Putting on the different pictures of cancers or gangrene or anything WILL NOT reduce smokers or the sales. Unless the tobacco companies or the Government keeps track on the statistic BEFORE and AFTER the implementation of the newly-designed boxes.

Yeay now we do have an OFFICIAL AMBASSADOR for cigarette companies! Salut!

If you ask me, I would not be affected by the pictures. In fact, I'll always choose the 'gangrene leg' picture. Why? Because if you see the 'leg' that bad probably because he/she smokes alone. Stingy bastard. So what do you do? You share. Imagine if you share your cigarettes with your friends, say, five friends. Chances you'll get infected with gangrene the whole leg will be narrowed down to one finger or two the most. Ha ha ha.

True story; I stopped at this one Petronas petrol station last Saturday to buy a top-up card for my phone line. I queued behind a guy. He was paying for the petrol, Touch'N'Go card and asked for a pack of cigarette.

"Boleh kasi itu Marlboro Lights besar?"

Then the cashier took one pack.

"Bukan itu kotak. Lain punya kotak."

"You mau soft pack ka?"

"Bukan, I takmau itu gambar. Kasi gambar kaki punya."

Can you believe it?!!

The previous pack that the cashier took was a picture of a baby/fetus. Gosh now it's better, they can choose the design. And the advertising companies can now design more 'acceptable' pictures. You see?

Join the Cigarette Box Sick Design Competition. Ask for the details from 1Malaysia.com!

Dem yuh!

Kisah malang yang berdarah

Dah dua minggu gua belasah hari gua sampai pagi. Dari pagi sampai pagi. Setiap hari. Bangun pagi jam 9-10 itu macam, lepas tu pergi kerja belasah kerja-kerja gua yang menimbun macam tempat pelupusan sampah dekat Kepong sana tu. Sebab apa gua cakap macam tempat pelupusan sampah? Sebab gua ni macam mesin melupuskan sampah sarap kerja yang orang lain tak boleh buat atau tak nak buat, gua lah yang kena buat. Pelbagai jenis kerja/sampah yang gua kena buat. Tapi gua memang steady, lagi banyak kena campak kerja/sampah pada gua, lagi bagus. Lagi banyak gua belajar, lagi kuat dan laju otak gua berfungsi, lagi cepat gua boleh jadi Perdana Menteri Malaysia.

Gua akan lunch dalam jam 4 petang, lepas tu sambung kerja. Sampai jam 7 kena turun kedai bawah sebab kena pergi minum bersama-sama Table of Four Committee (bukan The Jackson Five). Dalam jam 7.30 gua naik ofis sambung kerja sampai jam 9.30 malam.

Setiap Isnin dan Rabu gua akan main futsal 10-11 malam, lepas tu pergi makan dekat 223 sana sampai jam 2 pagi (sila klik di 223 untuk tahu rahsia terbaru). Sekurang-kurangnya. Selasa pula gua pergi main basketball dari 10-12 malam. Malam basketball gua jarang lepak sebab budak-budak tu komited kerja. Esok kena kerja la apa la. Semua orang pun kena kerja. Apa daa...

Tapi semalam ada terjadi sebuah kisah agak malang.

Kitaorang main basketball macam biasa 10-12 malam. Gua memang tak sihat sangat; ankle kanan gua terseliuh sebab jatuh masa main basketball minggu lepas, shin kiri gua pula kena rembat dengan mamat mana entah masa main futsal minggu lepas juga. Dua-dua tempat gua pernah patah dan retak suatu masa dahulu. Awsem.

Tengah seronok bersukan, melompat-lompat bagai, tiba-tiba...

Gedegang!

Kepala berlaga dengan siku Umar Zayeed. Berpinar-pinar. Nampak bintang. Pandangan kabur.

Darah.

Demmit.

"Pergi tandas cepat, cuci darah tu."

Menitik-nitik darah. Sah mesti koyak kepala ni.

Comel kan koyak tu? Nampak saja kecil, tapi darah memancut dah macam pili bomba pecah. Baru lah jantan beb.

"Rilek. Meh sini aku tengok sikit." "Hmm sah koyak kening kau ni."

"Umar, pergi minta kapas dengan ubat dekat kaunter. Minta dengan uncle."

"Lepas ni kita pergi klinik terus lah. Mesti kena jahit ni, kurang-kurang tiga."

Ini bukan telur separuh masak. Ini ubat kuning bercampur darah.

Pening, pitam semua ada. Mata rasa macam pedih saja. Muka dah macam nak bengkak. Habis session, terus chow pergi cari klinik area rumah gua. Gua perasan ada satu klinik 24-jam. Boleh lah.

Sampai klinik, terus daftar dekat kaunter, sebab kes emergency, terus dapat masuk, tak payah tunggu lama-lama, nanti lama-lama dia diambil orang.

Setel. Tiga jahit. Kena RM100 juga. Gampang.

Muka nak cas sihat walafiat. Blah lah.

He he he sebenarnya bukan gua yang kena, tapi member gua encik Bala @ Shahril Yaakob. Encik Bala ni besfren gua dari Form 1, satu dorm, satu kelas, satu team basketball dengan gua, partner in crime, segala. Tapi dia ni tak ada criminal record, gua pula......... Dia main hustle sangat, lepas tu pakai glasses, memang peluang nak kena tinggi la. Tu lah Bala lain kali pakai lah contact lense! Pemalas!

Gua sempat singgah kedai DVD haram sebelah klinik tu. Mana tahu ada filem menarik boleh gua kaji pula. Tapi gua jumpa benda ni:

Gua sempat tangkap satu gambar saja sebab macha yang kerja kat situ ingat gua spy polis, dia dah usha ketat kat gua macam Sivaji The Boss

Terbit rasa pelik dalam hati gua. Masa mamat ni masih hidup, macam-macam lu orang panggil dia; monyet lah, King of Plop lah, child mollester lah, black trying to be white lah, apa lancau semua lah. Sekarang dia dah masuk kubur baru lah semua orang nak pasang lagu dia, nak menangis lah, nak beli jaket merah Thriller dia lah, nak apply jadi ahli Jackson Five lah, entah apa-apa lagi. Konsert dia dekat KL dulu pun lu tak pergi, nak claim kipas-susah-mati, konon. Get a fucking life, posers.

Kisah malang gua diakhiri dengan sesi makan Nasi Kandar Makbul sebab gua sudah teman Bala pergi klinik so dia belanja gua makan. Nasi kuah banjir, ayam goreng dengan telur rebus kasi hancur, lepas tu gaul dengan nasi. Teh O' Ais. Memang best geng.

Bala chow awal lepas Table of Four Committee datang untuk bersidang. Gua yang suruh dia chow, kalau tidak nanti dia drive kereta tu lepas tu mengantuk nanti langgar divider kat Salak South sana lagi sekali pula, susah gua nak kena pergi rescue.

Gua dan ahli majlis lepak lagi; minum, makan, kunyah, hisap rokok, hisap rokok lagi, order air lagi, thosai, meggi goreng telur mata powder, segala gosip keluar, bisnes buah jambu 88, segala masalah negara sampai hal nak mengurat awek pun jadi topik. Sedar-sedar dah jam 4 pagi. Jahanam.

Tak boleh jadi. Semua orang balik.

Sampai rumah. Gua dengan tak mandi, bau macam longkang tersumbat dekat rumah gua yang kalau tersumbat mesti gua yang kena jadi buruh kasar kasi korek balik sampai clear. Apalah nasibku ini. Gua terus loncat atas tilam, pasang lagu puitis-puitis dalam henpon gua, bajet nak layan tidur.

Entah apahal pula tak boleh tidur ni. Sebutir-sebutir lagu gua dengar jelas. Tak mengantuk, badan letih gila tapi otak nak suruh gua fikir sesuatu. Nak fikir apa lagi la otak?! Kepala hotak lu lah otak, gua nak tidur ni!!!

Gua rasa gua lelap jam 5.30 pagi. Bangun jam 8.30 pagi sebab Ma call, dia tanya bila nak balik rumah, dia rindu. Gua cakap tunggu hujung minggu, itu pun tak tentu. Kerja gua kan macam tempat pelupusan sampah sekarang ni.

Dem yuh!

Sick again.

I think I am going to be sick again.

My immune system is not as strong as they used to. I was a healthy kid throughout my younger years, but it became worse few years back after my horrible accident, and a few weeks after that incident, I was diagnosed with Bell's Palsy. It's considered one of the mild strokes. On the face. Like, half of my left face won't move. My motoric nerves were paralyzed. Luckily my sensoric nerves were still functional at that time. It means, I can still feel pressure, tickle, heat and such.

Actually I had few major unfortunate incidents. I got into plenty of accidents, involving many parts of my body. I broke my right arm when I was too little to remember. What I remember was from photo (I will try to look for it) and I remembered that time I had to X-Ray my arm. It was bloody painful. And no, breaking any bones in your body is really not a good idea. But yeah it happened to me.

My first stitches when I was 4 or 5 I think. Tripped over someone's leg at this one McDonalds outlet in Bangsar, and hit my head on a bucu of the wall. Fainted. Woke up, 4 stitches on my eyebrow. Well I don't wanna check now, because I see myself everyday so I can't remember left or right, but you can see if you take a close look at it.

Then I dislocated my jaw when I was in standard one, thanks to main kejar-kejar with some friends before class started. I accidentally crashed myself with another boy who's pushing his bicycle in the school compound, and his handle bar was crushed into my mouth. No, I crushed into his bicycle. Fuck. And yes, dislocated my jaw, lost few teeth, stitches in my mouth, and knocked out for one day. Not bad for a 7-year old.

Standard two, I fell from a collapsed pagar sekolah. Ha ha ha.. I fell about 3 metres high. Still have that stitches on my left knee. Awesome.

After that I lost count on stitches. Seriously. Unless it's a major accident with some interesting incidents and story lines. Other than that, I don't keep score.

Owh, I fractured my left ankle when I was in standard six. Playing football. Not really interesting, except I had to ride my bicycle home with growing pain and everything else. I didn't stop me though.

Then, when I was in secondary school (I think form five that time) I was stung by a swarm of wasps but precisely, it was tebuan tanah. It's different from normal ones you normally see, the black with the orange-stripes insect. This one was like black all the way, no stripes, bigger than normal and their nest is not on the tree, it's on the ground. Hence, tebuan tanah. I was stung by at least 10 on them bastards. I was hospitalized for one night to stabilize my body temperature and to observe if there's any complication or cardiac arrest or any of that crazy shit. Demm.. Doctor said I must keep away from any possible lethal threat especially those that stings, and bites (except girls which I don't mind) or I could suffer some mind-fucked shit. Up until now, I'm paranoid with bees or wasps or hornets, and especially snakes. Fuck I would pass out if there's a snake. Demmit.

In matriculation, I broke my left wrist playing basketball. He he he. I was sent to hospital, then that time the MA (Medical Assistant) was in insufficient numbers so my friend named Katak unwillingly had to help the only MA there to pull my screwed-up wrist back in the right position. Nasty. Fuck. Called my dad from hospital, told him what happened, he laughed, and asked,"So after this gantung kasut lah (retire from basketball)?" I said,"Of course... not. I'll play again when I'm recovered (doesn't have to be fully recovered right?)". Dad laughed then daddy passed the phone to mummy. Mummy was shocked, cried, almost passed out and wanted to visit me there and then. I said no need, I'll be fine. Went back to my hostel, ate some food and painkillers, and tried to sleep. Again my friends, breaking a bone or bones really not a nice feeling. Ask Ami, he was my roommate that time. He had to take care of me. Thanks man. And the worst part when you need to shit, fuck how am I gonna clean my asshole? Don't imagine, and certainly don't break your left hand. And more to that, I'm a lefty. I can't write shit when I go to classes and I can't do test and shit. It's actually a good thing because I didn't have to send my assignments and shit, plus chicks dig adventurous guy, don't they?

Finally the September 1st 2006, THE INCIDENT. I don't want to write more, check the stupid story HERE.

After that shit happened, I tried to stay out of trouble. I'm prone to accidents. But there must be a reason for everything, right? Maybe I am destined to get myself into accidents, so that people I love around me won't get hurt. If that's the case, I don't mind, at all. I rather get into troubles and pains if that would save people that I truly love from getting into that situation. I'm not a noble guy, I'm far from anything that can be labeled as "kind, nice, etc." Sakit itu mencuci dosa-dosa kecil.

Now with the piling works and out gung-ho every night seems to be working really well, thanks to the support system from my beloved F&F. The only downside of it is that I think I might be falling sick again. I hope I will not die just yet. Hope is what we have.

Dem yuh!

Seriously a blab.

I had a wild night again last night. Six hours of wild night. Demmit. Always with the wild nights. I don't wanna talk about that though, those who were there, I know they will be talking about it for a while. Ha ha ha...

I didn't go back to my house, instead I went back to my parent's house. Yeah, 4-fucking-a.m. Speaking of respect, right?

I mean, I do respect my parent's rules and certain restrictions but Pa is someone I can never lie to, or should I say everything I did is just at the tip of his nose. Speaking of a former police general. So no point lying. At least I'm being a good son to my parents.

So I arrived home, opened the gate and the door and all the security systems Pa installed, and finally inside of the house.

Silence.

Dark.

Cold.

Of course you nut! You think it's two in the afternoon at a fucking circus??!!

Owh yeah, it's four in the morning.

Went straight to my room-slash-commonroom-slash-store. I smelled like a crack. Washed myself up, brushed my teeth and went to my real bed; the living room.

I've been sleeping in the living room since fifteen years ago. Yes. That's me. I never had a REAL room for myself. I was either sharing it with my elder brother (when I was still berhingus) and you know being the little one was not helping at all. So I slept in the living room, ever since.

After my elder brother moved out (he got married) I was too used to the living room as my so-called "room". Who needs a room when you can have a fucking house with TV, computer, fridge, and and everything else by yourself, at night? So I granted my room to my youngest brother, let him be. I rather stuck myself to the living room.

Back to the story.

After showered and changed, I landed my tired ass on the thin matress, those they used as extra bed for guest or those kinds. And unfortunately without a mistress. Matress, mistress, should be . I tried to find my position, the right one. My normal practice:

1- Lie straight.
2- Close my eyes with something; pillow or towel or anything.
3- Turn the Mp3 player on, not turn myself on. No use, without anyone beside.
4- Try not to think of ANYTHING.
5- Get myself into the songs.
6- Wake up the next morning.

So I did.

Woke up this morning, with a not-so-surprising present: HANGOVER.

Demmit I have to go to work! Thank God it's Friday.

Pa and Ma and my ever-handsome nephew, Harris was at home.

"What time is it, Ma?"

"11."

"WHATTTTT???!!!!"

"Ma ingat you tak kerja hari ni. You looked weak. Are you okay my boy?"

"Yes I am Ma. And I'm late now."

"Mana you pergi last night?" Ouch I knew Pa would definitely know where I went last night.

"Erkk....." Stuttered.

"Pa dah beli nasi ayam. You eat lah, we're going out to visit your Makngah Ani in Hospital Kajang, she had an accident few days ago."

"Oh God. Alright. Please say hi to Makngah for me."

"But can you please help us mandikan Harris? Ma and Pa nak kena bersiap kejap."

"Alright."

So I gave a shower to my beloved 3-year-old nephew. I didn't mind. I love kids. Though most of them are annoying. I'm the coolest uncle so it's kacang putih.

"Paklang, Ayish don't want wash head..." Pelat. Wah dah macam Mat Saleh dah kau ni, taknak basuh kepala.

"Okay young man."

So yeah I bathed him, and clothed him up. Then I took my bath and got ready to go to work.

"Makan lah dulu." Pa insisted.

"Okay Pa." I was really hungry honestly.

"Are you okay my son? Kenapa Ma tengok sedih saja lately? You have any problem ke?" Ma sounded deep in sadness, and I saw tears dropped from her eyes.

"No Ma, I'm fine, really. I'm tired, that's all. Kerja banyak sangat, I don't get enough sleep (skipped the "wild nights" parts ha ha ha I'm a naughty son). I'll be fine Ma. Don't worry."

"Of course I'm worried about you, you are my son. Ma nak you happy. You dah happy Ma tengok hari tu. Now sedih balik. Ma susah hati tengok you."

"I know Ma. I'm trying."

I couldn't afford to extend the conversation, because it's going to hurt Ma's feeling. Actually not hurt, but she'll be more sad. I don't want to make her more sad. I mean, enough of her getting worried about her children for more than 30 years. The least I can do is to make her smile.

"So, you nak pindah sini balik ke?"

"No Ma, masih duduk di Damansara. Saja singgah sini malam tadi, I missed you and Pa."

And more tears. Oh man, wrong timing.

"Dah lah Ma. You guys better get going, nanti lambat nak sampai Kajang sana. Government hospitals bukan boleh visit suka-suka hati. Ada visiting hours."

"Okay. You take care okay boy. Makan kenyang-kenyang. Nanti weekend balik ya?"

"Sure Ma. I come back every weekend, you know that."

They left, I ate Ayamas Chicken Rice and watched the foolishly entertaining Blade of Glory. Speaking of Will Farrell and John Heder. Perfecto.

Rushed to the office. Tonnes of works. I have to come in to the office even on Saturdays and Sundays.

Lastly, why the fuck am I writing this entry?

Dem yuh!

Cinta baru gua.

Gua sekarang tak tahu lah apa pasal, tapi seminggu tak jumpa mesti rindu lain macam. Hubungan agak aneh ni baru saja lagi berputik, baru tiga minggu itu macam. Susah gua nak predict masa depan hubungan ni, bukan apa nanti kalau gua beriya-iya sangat nanti tak menjadi pula.

Gua cuba maintain at least dua kali seminggu lah gua punya komitmen. Selalu gua jumpa dia Isnin dengan Rabu dalam jam 12 tengah malam macam tu. Tak lama, sampai lah sekitar jam 2 pagi. Cukuplah, gua tak mahu terlalu lama nanti cepat bosan.

Tempat pertemuan ada satu saja. Dekat situlah kitaorang jumpa setiap kali pun. Nak kata best, tak ada lah best sangat tempat tu. Ramai juga orang menyemak kat situ. Tapi siapa yang kenal gua, mesti diaorang tahu yang gua ni komited. Gua tak kisah orang keliling nak cakap atau nak buat apa; nak gelak ke, nak jeling ke, nak menyalak pun gua tarahal, malah dialu-alukan. Bagi gua, itu semua tak penting. Yang penting gua dan si Dia dapat bersama, walaupun beberapa jam. Itu sudah cukup. Siapa kata gua demand lebih? Ish.. Mana ada. Tak baik tuduh orang yang bukan-bukan. Dosa.

Walau apa pun, gua semakin sihat dan gembira, sebab gua sudah ada cinta baru. Terima kasih saudara-saudari serta kawan-kawan dan sahabat handai kerana memperkenalkan gua kepada si Dia.

Cinta baru gua. Terbaik tak? Memang gua belasah dua bungkus tiap-tiap kali. Rakus.

Kalau lu orang nak try, pergi lah sana Medan Selera Jalan 223, PJ. Memang mantap. Sup kambing mamak sireh pun ada tapi gua taknak lah bercinta dengan kambing atau dengan mamak sireh tu. Otak-otak pun ada, kalau rasa otak lu tak berfungsi dengan lancar lu makan lah. Paling layan lu beli kat kedai 58 (kod rahsia).

*note on Otak-Otak: The food is so nice, they had to name it twice.

Dem yuh!

Separa dongeng.

Hari ini gua rasa macam nak bercerita. Atau sekurang-kurangnya gua nak buat cerita. Tengoklah mood gua. Kalau tengok mood memang tak nampaklah, mood gua ini pemalu sikit dia jarang nak menjelmakan dirinya. Macam tuannya juga. Anyway gua memang suka buat lawak bodoh serta lame, ini blog gua suka hati gua nak tulis apa. Lu tak puas hati lu tulis la blog lu sendiri.

Oke jadi apakah topik yang gua nak bercerita hari ini. Hari ini 1 Jun 2009. Apa yang best sangat bulan Jun ini? Best sebab besday ibunda gua bulan Jun. Lain? Dah hampir setengah tahun berlalu. Apa yang gua dah buat? Gua nak checklist hidup gua sekejap. Mungkin lu orang pun patut buat benda yang sama. Mana tahu dah terlalai ke terlajak ke apa ke kan.

Lebih kurang 150 hari tahun ini sudah berlalu, gua sedar:

1. Berat badan gua bertambah 1 kilogram berbanding bulan Januari 2009. Banyak tu. Kalau setiap 5 bulan berat gua bertambah sekilo, mungkin berat gua jadi 200 paun dalam masa 30 tahun akan datang. Masa tu gua boleh la berlakon jadi hero filem Starlesterol Wars Episode 12. Watak gua nama Obi-Wa Gemokni.

Target gua menjelang Wawasan 2020

2. Kaki kiri gua pendek 1 sentimeter sejak bulan September 2006. Gua mula-mula agak lega juga ingatkan boleh dapat kad pengenalan khas O.K.U banyak kelebihannya. Tapi lawyer gua baru-baru ni cakap kalau mahkamah nak declare kaki gua cacat kena pendek 1 inci bersamaan 2.54 sentimeter. Ada balance 1.54 sentimeter lagi kena pendekkan. Gua fikir-fikir balik, takpelah. Sakit woo kaki pendek. Tapi ada orang cakap gua sesuai catwalk. Akan dipertimbangkan.

Bos gua memang memahami kekurangan yang gua hadapi

3. Gua dah berumur. Bak kata Adik Pijat, umur semakin tambah, rambut semakin kurang. Takpelah gua syukur saja. Tuhan itu Maha Adil. Kalau nak muka hemsem (Aydan yang ajar eja macam ni, jangan salahkan gua), rambut lurus macam iklan syampu Sunsilk tapi otak macam burung unta, takpelah gua tak heran. Perempuan sekarang mintak yang bukan-bukan. Nak yang kaya, nak itu nak ini. Six-pack? Shape? I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Gua taknak banyak, ini je syarat gua. Siapa nak isi borang?

4. Buku akaun bank gua masih single digit. Kalau nombor plat kereta single digit boleh juga gua jual kat ahli politik puluh-puluhan ribu. Mana lah pergi semua harta gua. Time-time macam ni lah 'kawan-kawan' semua hilang. Hampir semua. Yang tinggal hanyalah sahabat-sahabat. Tapi tak mengapa itu semua dunia. Tapi yang best dalam facebook beratus pulak kawan gua. Ntah siapa-siapa lah. Ada yang gua nampak sampai beribu-ribu. Lepas tu boleh main jual-beli pulak. Kalau gua kena jual macam dalam cerita 3 Abdul, agak-agak berapa harga gua. AMPAT RIBU PAUN?! WOW, ANA KAYA!

Sebab utama gua fobia dengan amalan menabung

5. Gua tak ada fahaman politik. Bagi gua politik kat Malaysia memang macam Zionis. Kata je demi rakyat lah apa lah lu kasi isi perut lu sampai jadi Firaun lagi bagus. Zaman dahulu Firaun ada seorang je, tapi sekarang ni bersepah yang berlumba-lumba nak jadi Firaun. Lahanat-lahanat ini tak dapat jadi Firaun dapat jadi tukang pegang payung Firaun kat akhirat pun jadi lah gua rasa. Tapi gua rasa macam nak jadi ahli politik. Ramai sangat orang nak jadi ahli politik, gua pun macam teruja juga. Boleh dapat datuk-ship sebelum berat gua jadi 200 paun.

Siapa-siapa ada kawan muka macam Firaun in?

6. Pasukan kegemaran gua Red Devils masih gagah dengan beberapa trofi kebangsaan dan juga antarabangsa. Walaupun tewas kepada Barcelona (gua respect sama ini team sebab diaorang memang bagus) minggu lepas, kekalahan yang memedihkan itu JAUH lebih mulia daripada pasukan-pasukan bongkak lain yang terpaksa tengok game itu kat televisyen. Cerita poyo bagai, sudahlah. Tak perlu gua nak sebut nama-nama pasukan itu, buat rosak blog gua je. Gua masih tak faham kenapa penyakit ABU (Anything But United) boleh wujud. Lu sama lu, gua sama gua, lu jangan berbulu sama gua.

Gay pun gay lah. Gua peduli apa

7. Sahabat-sahabat rapat gua ramai yang sudah settled down. Ramai kalau gua nak mention kat sini. Banyak gila kad jemputan yang gua tak sempat nak pergi sapa lagi gua pun dah tak boleh nak recall. Minta maaf kepada yang gua tak dapat hadir tu. Dan semakin ramai juga yang bakal berumah serta melepaskan batuk di tangga; Ami & Yaya, Bala & Fara, Aryll & Nurul, Amat & Yash, dan ramai lagi takkan habis gua nak tulis. Siapa taknak kahwin doh. Package dengan nikah sekali lah. Bila pulak lah masa gua nak sampai nanti. Nak tunggu ke, nak mencari ke, nak macam mana eh? Banyak sangat nasihat percuma yang gua dapat sampai gua pun tak tahu nak ikut yang mana satu. Gua kalau dah sampai masa, kahwin kat Narathiwat pun gua takde hal. Jodoh, betul tak? Ke ada siapa-siapa nak melawan Qada' & Qadar? Nak kena sambar petir?

To whom it may concern...

Tamatlah sebuah cerita separa dongeng.


Dem yuh!

Health: Virus Influenza A Type H1N1

Tahun 2009 ini kita dikejutkan lagi dengan virus terbaru yang dapat menimbulkan penyakit iaitu Swine Flu atau nama manja tempatannya Selsema Babi.

Virus Selsema Babi adalah kumpulan dari virus influenza yang dapat menyebabkan selsema atau flu pada babi, di mana virus yang menyebabkan wabak selsema pada manusia ini berasal dari jenis virus Influenza A type H1N1. Secara genetik virus ini juga ditemukan sebagai sebahagian dari selsema manusia, atau juga selsema burung.

Justeru, untuk upaya pencegahan penularan selsema babi ini kita dapat melakukan beberapa langkah sederhana, seperti berikut:

1. Jangan berjabat tangan dengan babi yang sedang selsema (selain akan dijangkiti selsema oleh babi, anda juga akan dianggap orang gila).

2. Jangan berciuman dengan babi yang sedang selsema (apatah lagi yang ini, anda tidak mahu dilihat orang sedang berciuman dengan babi bukan?).

3. Cucilah tangan setelah anda bergomol dengan babi di kandang babi.

3. Jangan suka mengucapkan kata 'babi' kepada orang lain (contoh: babi, lu!).

4. Jangan tidur di sebelah babi.

5. Jangan menerima babi sebagai teman anda di facebook kerana dia dapat meng-harvest teman-teman anda di facebook.

6. Jika anda memang memelihara babi, sediakan selalu sapu tangan/tissue untuk babi-babi anda untuk menutup hidung dan mulutnya bila bersin.

7. Hindarilah berenang di kolam renang babi, setidaknya pada ketika ini.

8. Jangan mem-forward email ini kepada babi-babi, dikhuatiri mereka akan tahu sehingga mencari cara lain untuk menularkan penyakit ini.

9. Hindari memakai segala aksessori babi (t-shirt gambar babi, anting-anting babi, rantai berloket babi, key chain babi, patung babi dan lain-lain lagi), babi-babi yang sedang selsema itu mungkin akan beranggapan anda bersimpati dengan mereka, sehingga kemungkinan mereka akan menyerbu anda untuk meminta perlindungan kerana pada ketika ini banyak pihak yang sedang memburu untuk membunuh mereka.

10. Salah satu yang juga penting adalah agar para penternak untuk segera menyedarkan diri dan kembali ke jalan yang benar sebelum tercipta varian baru virus tersebut; Selsema Penternak Babi.

Oleh itu, sentiasalah kita berhati-hati dan tidak terjerumus ke lembah babi yang maha durjana.

Mangsa pertama Selsema Babi

Dem yuh!