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*****
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RELATIONSHIP 101 (DO's and DONT's)
DO:
Listen
I think this is by far the hardest to do.
Why?
Ego, that's why.
Have you heard of this saying, "You TASTE but you don't FEEL, you LOOK but you don't SEE, you HEAR but you don't LISTEN."
Even so often we are tripped by our own superego. Instead of using logical brain and reasoning, we failed to activate the Emotional Intelligence domain, and here comes the Defense Mechanism.
Talk
Who listens? Who talks?
Not only listening is a very hard thing to get used to, but talking is equally essential.
While listening we need to do some reasoning, talking needs to be done with a proper manner and to make sure the message is properly delivered (using the right words, intonation, facial expression etc.).
Communicate, people. There's a sender (talk), there's a receiver (listen), there's a message (content). Voilla! That's two-way communication.
Put/show a little bit more trust
There's a reason why I said "Put/show a little bit more trust." Let me tell ya, every time you have doubt (trust issue) to your partner, it's always a first bad intuition. Most of the times fights broke out because of distrust/doubt. And when you find out that your partner is right, you feel embarrassed and you refuse to say sorry. Then you fight again. Heh.
Next time just be a little bit more generous and kind, and put/show a little bit more trust to your partner. Don't treat them like they're your children. They're big enough, even if they break your trust, it's not your fault. You gave what they ask for, which is to trust them. At the end of the day you have nothing to lose and you still hold your integrity.
Give some space Let him/her take her own space
This is again a matter of being protective-cum-possessive.
First you protect, regardless you're the man or the woman (we protect each other in our own different ways) but here what happens when we stepped a bit too far. We become possessive. We assume that we have the rights to the other half. We think we possess them.
What?!
Look man, no one is belonged to anyone. Don't feel so powerful and think you own everything. Even I am belonged to only my Creator, my God.
Even to use "Give some space" is still inappropriate for me. I don't own the space. I shall change it to, "Let him/her take her own space." That makes more sense.
Commit GRADUALLY
Even I have a problem with this. I'm so affected by my career that every time I commit into a project/task/work/career, I will give 100%. I stay over the office, I get back late, I prepare, I put everything in to make sure the result is none other than a success.
Even I belief relationship is like a business venture, a partnership in a business. There will be arguments, excitements and all sorts, but instead of making it intense, make it fun.
How?
Commit gradually. Don't straight away commit to (for example) cook for your soon-to-be boyfriend every day and night, buy her flowers every dinner time, things like that. Do it step by step, so that you don't feel the pressure or pressured by your own actions.
More importantly, start commit more on the fundamentals (communication, trust, honesty, respect, dependability) rather than physical or monetary contributions. Build a solid foundation, then only you build the whole building and lastly, decorate it.
Patience
Two of the most difficult attributes to sustain are i) hardworking (or rajin) and, ii) patience (or bersabar).
I tell you, even if these two qualities are being used to other things (sports, entrepreneurial, arts, you name it) God knows where all of us can be by now.
Every time we feel like quitting, take a step (or few) back and look again. Don't always jump to the conclusion without rationalise your decision. No one's perfect. If you think you're being the only one dealing with patience-impatience issue, take it as a practice to buck up your emotional intelligence.
Patience is virtue, my young Padawan.
Appreciate the little things
I think I'm a champion for the League of Little Things in Relationship. I mean, the whole relationship, not my private parts. That's for you to find out anyway.
Tell me, is it not true that no matter how sweaty your boyfriend is after a futsal session, you still give him a hug. How about morning smooches before both of you even brush your teeth? Remember when you are in period pain and he had to go to the mart and buy you your pad? Or when he's so tired after a long day at work and you prepared some hot tea and biscuits, after an equally-tiring day, and then watch the News @ 8 together on the couch?
Shit man, I can write maybe a thousand things. I don't wish to start now. But I will. Because if that's what it takes for me to share to you, to help touch your hearts and for you to start appreciating the small things in your relationship, so God help me I will.
Don't care too much about the size of your contribution or efforts. Size only matters if you know how to use it. If you don't, just let it be as it is as long as it's manageable.
DON'T:
Don't be greedy
A natural child/kid character, when we want something, we want it NOW, and we want it ALL. Otherwise we'll cry, we'll protest, we'll sabotage, no?
Be grateful only because you are in a relationship, and you are being provided with emotional attention and care. Remember what mummy said when we were kids?
"Be nice, or you won't be getting anything, anymore, sweetheart."
Don't be selfish
I remember one of the comments from an anonymous reader to my post sometime ago,
"The world revolves around the SUN."
Yes living in this world, being competitive and all, we only want/wish the best for ourselves. But you're in a relationship, and a relationship is unwritten sacred agreement between two souls, therefore it needs balance.
It's only normal sometimes to get what you really want. You keep asking for this and that from your partner, and you don't care what he/she wants or needs, that's selfish.
You can order him to follow you doing your daily shopping, but you can't follow him to watch football match once a week? Don't let me start with on-the-bed issues.
Don't set too high expectation
Don't bullshit me and say you have no expectation in a relationship whatsoever. Of course you do. I do. But I don't set a high expectation towards my partner. I believe that I have more to give, than what I should be receiving.
Be realistic, people. If her height is average Asians, don't keep telling her that she has the potential to be like Gisele Bundchen if she stretch her legs 12 hours a day. Or telling him that he can be like Ludwig van Beethoven, what more Beethoven was deaf.
Just learn to accept your partner as who he/she is, and more importantly as who he/she IS NOT.
Don't overdo things
You can be romantic, sweet, needy, gentleman, whatever you wish but I suggest you don't overdo it.
Yes of course you love your partner and your relationship together, but just keep it simple on regular basis. After all, we love surprises don't we? But what happens when you keep getting surprises on a regular-basis? i) heart attack, and ii) cheese(y).
You know why it's called 'cheesy'? Because you like it once in a while, but if you have to eat it every day, it becomes cheesy. Same goes here.
Just because your boyfriend tells you you have a good voice, you sing to him all the way from Kuala Lumpur to Singapore. Read between the lines.
Don't be pushy
Everybody wants to get things done the way they want it regardless how it is done. You want your girlfriend to act like a lady yet you were never a gentleman. It's more than just some mere words.
What is the most important resources in life?
TIME.
So, let it flow, let your partner do it his/her own way (but you can monitor, not pushy), show a little more trust and hopefully there will be some progress to it. Let him/her have his/her own time.
Even if it doesn't turn out to be like how exactly you want it, you know for a fact that you both tried and you had fun. It's a relationship, not a stock market.
*
***
*****
***
*
I had fun writing this. I felt as though a hammer slammed on my head. It's like, "Haa... tau pun kau apa nak buat... Tak pernah nak sedar ke?"
Oke, I sedar sekarang.
Lastly, guys, WEAR THE PANTS.
And girls, WEAR A BRA.
None of you want to run around town without it, if you know what I mean.
To read my previous posts on "Of commitment" please click
HERE (Part 1)
HERE(Part 2)
Trust me, we all will make a difference.
Oh, here's a short cut.
Dem yuh!
Listen
I think this is by far the hardest to do.
Why?
Ego, that's why.
Have you heard of this saying, "You TASTE but you don't FEEL, you LOOK but you don't SEE, you HEAR but you don't LISTEN."
Even so often we are tripped by our own superego. Instead of using logical brain and reasoning, we failed to activate the Emotional Intelligence domain, and here comes the Defense Mechanism.
Talk
Who listens? Who talks?
Not only listening is a very hard thing to get used to, but talking is equally essential.
While listening we need to do some reasoning, talking needs to be done with a proper manner and to make sure the message is properly delivered (using the right words, intonation, facial expression etc.).
Communicate, people. There's a sender (talk), there's a receiver (listen), there's a message (content). Voilla! That's two-way communication.
Put/show a little bit more trust
There's a reason why I said "Put/show a little bit more trust." Let me tell ya, every time you have doubt (trust issue) to your partner, it's always a first bad intuition. Most of the times fights broke out because of distrust/doubt. And when you find out that your partner is right, you feel embarrassed and you refuse to say sorry. Then you fight again. Heh.
Next time just be a little bit more generous and kind, and put/show a little bit more trust to your partner. Don't treat them like they're your children. They're big enough, even if they break your trust, it's not your fault. You gave what they ask for, which is to trust them. At the end of the day you have nothing to lose and you still hold your integrity.
This is again a matter of being protective-cum-possessive.
First you protect, regardless you're the man or the woman (we protect each other in our own different ways) but here what happens when we stepped a bit too far. We become possessive. We assume that we have the rights to the other half. We think we possess them.
What?!
Look man, no one is belonged to anyone. Don't feel so powerful and think you own everything. Even I am belonged to only my Creator, my God.
Even to use "Give some space" is still inappropriate for me. I don't own the space. I shall change it to, "Let him/her take her own space." That makes more sense.
Commit GRADUALLY
Even I have a problem with this. I'm so affected by my career that every time I commit into a project/task/work/career, I will give 100%. I stay over the office, I get back late, I prepare, I put everything in to make sure the result is none other than a success.
Even I belief relationship is like a business venture, a partnership in a business. There will be arguments, excitements and all sorts, but instead of making it intense, make it fun.
How?
Commit gradually. Don't straight away commit to (for example) cook for your soon-to-be boyfriend every day and night, buy her flowers every dinner time, things like that. Do it step by step, so that you don't feel the pressure or pressured by your own actions.
More importantly, start commit more on the fundamentals (communication, trust, honesty, respect, dependability) rather than physical or monetary contributions. Build a solid foundation, then only you build the whole building and lastly, decorate it.
Patience
Two of the most difficult attributes to sustain are i) hardworking (or rajin) and, ii) patience (or bersabar).
I tell you, even if these two qualities are being used to other things (sports, entrepreneurial, arts, you name it) God knows where all of us can be by now.
Every time we feel like quitting, take a step (or few) back and look again. Don't always jump to the conclusion without rationalise your decision. No one's perfect. If you think you're being the only one dealing with patience-impatience issue, take it as a practice to buck up your emotional intelligence.
Patience is virtue, my young Padawan.
Appreciate the little things
I think I'm a champion for the League of Little Things in Relationship. I mean, the whole relationship, not my private parts. That's for you to find out anyway.
Tell me, is it not true that no matter how sweaty your boyfriend is after a futsal session, you still give him a hug. How about morning smooches before both of you even brush your teeth? Remember when you are in period pain and he had to go to the mart and buy you your pad? Or when he's so tired after a long day at work and you prepared some hot tea and biscuits, after an equally-tiring day, and then watch the News @ 8 together on the couch?
Shit man, I can write maybe a thousand things. I don't wish to start now. But I will. Because if that's what it takes for me to share to you, to help touch your hearts and for you to start appreciating the small things in your relationship, so God help me I will.
Don't care too much about the size of your contribution or efforts. Size only matters if you know how to use it. If you don't, just let it be as it is as long as it's manageable.
DON'T:
Don't be greedy
A natural child/kid character, when we want something, we want it NOW, and we want it ALL. Otherwise we'll cry, we'll protest, we'll sabotage, no?
Be grateful only because you are in a relationship, and you are being provided with emotional attention and care. Remember what mummy said when we were kids?
"Be nice, or you won't be getting anything, anymore, sweetheart."
Don't be selfish
I remember one of the comments from an anonymous reader to my post sometime ago,
"The world revolves around the SUN."
Yes living in this world, being competitive and all, we only want/wish the best for ourselves. But you're in a relationship, and a relationship is unwritten sacred agreement between two souls, therefore it needs balance.
It's only normal sometimes to get what you really want. You keep asking for this and that from your partner, and you don't care what he/she wants or needs, that's selfish.
You can order him to follow you doing your daily shopping, but you can't follow him to watch football match once a week? Don't let me start with on-the-bed issues.
Don't set too high expectation
Don't bullshit me and say you have no expectation in a relationship whatsoever. Of course you do. I do. But I don't set a high expectation towards my partner. I believe that I have more to give, than what I should be receiving.
Be realistic, people. If her height is average Asians, don't keep telling her that she has the potential to be like Gisele Bundchen if she stretch her legs 12 hours a day. Or telling him that he can be like Ludwig van Beethoven, what more Beethoven was deaf.
Just learn to accept your partner as who he/she is, and more importantly as who he/she IS NOT.
Don't overdo things
You can be romantic, sweet, needy, gentleman, whatever you wish but I suggest you don't overdo it.
Yes of course you love your partner and your relationship together, but just keep it simple on regular basis. After all, we love surprises don't we? But what happens when you keep getting surprises on a regular-basis? i) heart attack, and ii) cheese(y).
You know why it's called 'cheesy'? Because you like it once in a while, but if you have to eat it every day, it becomes cheesy. Same goes here.
Just because your boyfriend tells you you have a good voice, you sing to him all the way from Kuala Lumpur to Singapore. Read between the lines.
Don't be pushy
Everybody wants to get things done the way they want it regardless how it is done. You want your girlfriend to act like a lady yet you were never a gentleman. It's more than just some mere words.
What is the most important resources in life?
TIME.
So, let it flow, let your partner do it his/her own way (but you can monitor, not pushy), show a little more trust and hopefully there will be some progress to it. Let him/her have his/her own time.
Even if it doesn't turn out to be like how exactly you want it, you know for a fact that you both tried and you had fun. It's a relationship, not a stock market.
*
***
*****
***
*
I had fun writing this. I felt as though a hammer slammed on my head. It's like, "Haa... tau pun kau apa nak buat... Tak pernah nak sedar ke?"
Oke, I sedar sekarang.
Lastly, guys, WEAR THE PANTS.
And girls, WEAR A BRA.
None of you want to run around town without it, if you know what I mean.
To read my previous posts on "Of commitment" please click
HERE (Part 1)
HERE(Part 2)
Trust me, we all will make a difference.
Oh, here's a short cut.
Dem yuh!
2 comments:
hoyeh! semua empat ibu jarik angkat atas :)
short! nice! ilmiah :)
phew..it takes abnormal heartbeat to read this :)
Resting heartbeat ~ to check next step of action~
bagus encik bagus sekali ini post! *clap clap*
~anma~:
Trust me, we can make a difference ;)
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