Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Why people change? Can people change?

Most people never really change.

Sad, but true.

Some people never even try.

But those of us who do try often experience great frustration and disappointment as we encounter the same limitations over and over again.

Life can start to seem downright repetitive.

Human nature cannot be predicted. We all think that we know somebody. That means we believe that we know how a friend or family member would react to a situation. We think that we know this at least about people we are very close to. Do we really?

If that were true, relationship would not sour. Because our partner is surely a person we know a lot about. But suddenly we are confronted with a partner about whom our feelings change or vice versa. Why does this happen?

I am not sure whether people change at all. But surely the way they behave or act is so unexpected that we feel they have changed. In a relationship a couple may have been having the best time together. Both partners think that they are made for each other. There is a belief that their goals are same and that their thoughts are same. They are a perfect couple who are in deep romantic love and who seem to be unable to live without each other.

Can such a couple change? Yes! even a couple which shares everything perfectly changes in relationship when decisions about values have to be taken. If one of the partners has very strong values about something they will not surrender that under any circumstances. For example, you have a sense of what is right and what is wrong.

I also have my sense of right and wrong. If I believe very strongly in my sense, I will never accept what you want me to do. If you think that lie is "OK" if life can be carried on and if I believe that lie is unacceptable, can we ever share the same relationship?

This test does not come immediately after the relationship, but after some months or years. We suddenly find that our values are in strong conflict with our partner and whatever effort we make is useless to change their point of view. At that point love turns bitter. As if suddenly some sour thing was added to a sweet.

But what if people change their personality/opinions/stands/characters five times in a year? It's like a cancer. We call it The Stages of Grief.

First time, she agrees with her boyfriend because she's in love.Even to the worst things that happened, yet she did not say anything because SHE SAID SHE'S IN LOVE. In fact, she conspired with her boyfriend without once tell her boyfriend what they did was wrong. It's called conditioning.

Second time, they broke up. Well you know they broke down period. This is when The Stages of Grief attacks.

Stage one: DENIAL (This isn't happening to me!)

Curses and madness. Suddenly everything went wrong. Her boyfriend was a bad person, he was cruel, she has done nothing wrong but when he left her bla bla bla shit shit shit. She can't believe it's really happening. She thought it's just a practical joke. It's not.

Stage two: ANGER (Why is this happening to me?)

She starts to tell EVERYONE about the break-up. She starts telling bad things about him, defending herself like she's an angel, like she's never done anything wrong. Stupid.

Stage three: BARGAINING (I promise I'll be a better person if...)

This is the interesting part. Now she starts to use her empty shallow brain, and realized she was stupid for acting stupid, but the fact that she is stupid. She starts to say sorry to him, said she was depressed, she did not think straight, she was unstable bla bla bla yea yea all those hormone shits.

Stage four: DEPRESSION (I don't care anymore)

See, I've stated in stage three about the excuse of being depressed. Now this is the real depression. She calls or SMS and telling him that it's totally over and she has moved on. She wishes him all the best in life, good luck, and she finally realized that shit happens and sometimes things are just not meant to be bla bla bla. This whole thing would be a lot easier if she understand the situation and dealt with it with concious. Well, damage has been done ain't it?

Stage five: ACCEPTANCE (I'm ready for whatever comes)

Now this, ladies and gentlemen, is the trickiest part. I wrote up there besides the 'ACCEPTANCE' word "I'm ready for whatever comes". Truth is, there are two situations that could happen.

Situation #1: She accepts the whole idea of a 'break up' or 'the end of a romantic relationships' between the two of them. And then she moves on, try to mend the pieces of her broken heart, and build everything back. This is what everyone should do after they ended a relationship.

I always said, "I cry, I wipe my tears, and I move on". And, if she's lucky she'll find a new guy (or maybe a girl) and start a new one. Hard, but not impossible to do.

Situation #2: She thinks that her ex-boyfriend or even maybe, the world serves an unjust act to her. So she starts to dig for his mistakes or his "little black book" from unreliable, dubious, devious, highly questionable and definite untrustworthy sources. And then she uses all these complete bollock "facts" (as she may call it) to threaten her ex-boyfriend or blackmail him whatsofuckingever. This is what I call the other side of the Acceptance. Why, because before this she kept everything enclosed. By everything I mean those dirty little stuff she did with him without any force and obviously she did it because she wants to.

I mean, if you did not want to do it, why did you do it?

Now she blames him for everything they did together. TOGETHER. It's a two-way traffic okay. Blaming disease is what I would define as "the manic frustration of a bipolar person and the incessant need to control at least one thing in their life".

Yes I'm crazy! Send me to the psychiatric institution NOW!

Dem yuh!


FK said...

1st and foremost, ppl is hard to change i agree.
the top one always happens when SHE is in love.. but it always turns out that SHE is this SHE is that in the end. the proportion of SHE and HE is not balanced here. obviously SHE is more emotional but HE plays part too.
i think HE needs to compensate with SHE and vice versa.
and i thought its obvious SHE still in love/like/obsess when it comes to the blackmailing/blaiming part.. if not why should SHE care to even contact HE, aite mate?
i wonder why there aren't still 50% gays in the world..

Budak Nakal said...

Well said. I would like to remind you that this topic reflects on my personal experience. Thus the gender-thingy. The proportion is never balanced and never will be.

SHE blame (still) HIM for all the things they did TOGETHER. Isn't that ridiculous? Well maybe HE taught HER to do all those things, but if SHE doesn't want to do it, or SHE believe it's against her BELIEF, why did SHE do it anyway? Don't point the bloody finger on LOVE. Love is blind, but don't let it blinds you. I did many things, but I never blamed anyone or anything for any of the wrongdoings. I take my responsibilities.

The 'compensation' part cannot be done obviously because SHE is totally mad. Well, life's always a bitch, isn't it?

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