Mental masturbation.

I received an SMS two nights ago from a friend whose apparently generous enough to have spent her time reading my 94% bullshits.

This is what she wrote to me in her SMS, in respond to my entry: Poseur? I believe the term pseudo-intellectual suits you better. I think I'm one of those too.

Self-explanatory

I laughed. Maybe I am. So I'll share with you guys a little bit about mental masturbation @ pseudo-intellectual.

Introduction: A pseudo intellectual (a term used by pseudo intellectual, instead of using a much simpler word, such as MORON) is someone who pretends to be smart, but who does not put in the work or have the actual brainpower to be considered smart.

Four signs of the pseudo-intellectual

1. Quoting
2. Going against common thought without evidence
3. Bringing up intellectualism in non-requisite situations
4. Unnecessary use of verbs and adjectives with four syllables or more

How can you tell a pseudo-intellectual?

1. One who attempts to flex intellect that does not exist within his or her own mind.
2. Can probably be found with a thesaurus in hand, while in a chat room, looking up new insults that are synonymous with "stupid" in order to boost his or her own undeserved ego.
3. Typical cases of pseudo-intellectualism involve prepubescent 15 year old that think they have everything figured out, including, but not limited to: philosophy, socioeconomic, destiny of humanity, life, religion, politics, education, and sex. Ironically, they have never quite experienced either of the aforementioned.
4. Acting "eccentric" to differentiate themselves from the masses as to seem unique, even though their kind are quite common. Then, they consistently criticizing Malaysia and its government and citizens and everything else in the country for no good reason, followed by the claim that they will move to Australia after. Someone who spends 40 minutes talking about how much they hate police, the military, the people and Malaysia in general. When asked a serious intellectual question they give a blank stare.
5. A person who is controversial for the sake of being controversial. Typically a hypocrite; creates many, many contradictions.
6. Always ends a bullshit "argument" with, "I win, so shut the fuck up." Win what, dipshits? Your opinions weren't fact in the first place.
7. Somebody that tries too hard to not be "typical" by saying they like whatever isn't the trend. Usually they listen to the likes of Animal Collective, Sigur Ros, and Interpol. (I like some of those bands too but I don't keep shoving my musical taste at a bunch of n*sync fans to try to feel a false sense of superiority) And they like anything described as "indie"; movies like Trainspotting, Donnie Darko, Requiem for A Dream, and Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas. If you said those movies were popular (which they pretty much are) they would get pissed. Basically, they're people that miss the point about actually enjoying something cause they're too caught up at trying to look cultured, therefore they are poseurs.
   
8. They congregate at Starbucks because without adequate shot of caffeine, which is what their blood is mostly composed of, their heart rate would slow down and they will literally "freeze" to death.
9. They question, or do not believe in the existence of God, because being an atheist makes them feel rebellious, distinctive, and "smart". But, these pseudo-intellectuals believe in God only during the festive season, so they can upgrade their cell phones and state their own independence from "mainstream" society by buying overpriced shirts from the overpriced, over-hype ugly Clot captioned "Fuck Government".
10. A pseudo-intellectual is someone who is too stupid to realize they are a pseudo-intellectual. This person is well armed with defense mechanisms, is extremely caustic and passive aggressive in the interest of protecting and preserving their delusions of grandeur. Thus, the one who engaged in "mental masturbation."
    

Wheel of Fortune with a major twist

Having said that, I will share some secrets with you lads on how to become a pseudo-intellectual. Don't be too worried, becoming a pseudo-intellectual is easier than you think!

• Read an obscure book on philosophy; something existential is always good, maybe from (Albert) Camus, (Guy) Debord, (Michel) de Montaigne, (Søren) Kierkegaard, (William) Shakespeare, (Friedrich) Nietzsche, or (Jean-Paul) Sartre; and remember the main points of the book. If you are truly pseudo, all you need to read are the Amazon.com reviews of the book. But having this obscure philosophy book in your repertoire is critical to any pseudo intellectual. Write down four or five key ‘ideas’ of the obscure philosophy book, and then work them into conversations with people. It is amazing at how easy it is to work in obscure philosophy into regular conversations with your friends and coworkers. *Read the Amazon.com reviews of a pop-culture or pop-science book once a year. Write down a few points from the book, and commit them to memory. This will keep your pseudo-status fresh. Nobody likes a pseudo intellectual who keeps bringing up the same idea over and over. You need fresh new ideas to steal and make it sound like you are well-read and smart.
• Once you have mastered someone else’s ideas and can drop them into conversations at will, learn to describe the ideas as if you find them interesting, but nothing new. A pseudo-intellectual is never impressed. Everyone else’s ideas are at best intriguing, ‘but you’re just not really sure about them.’
• Go to Hollywood and study the people there at least once in your life. These people are masters at being pseudo intellectuals, and for this they should be respected by us all. Don’t say anything when you go. Just walk around observing how the people there interact with each other. They all seem to do the minimal amount of cognitive work necessary to be considered human while spending most of their time grooming, socializing, shopping, and creating personal dramas for them to talk to each other about.
  

Try your best to hit the red line and become a member!

Some tips & warnings

Tips 1#
Give credit to authors’ ideas whenever possible. It is tempting for the pseudo-intellectual to drop cool new ideas into conversations as if they were his or her own ideas. This is not necessary, and if you do run into true intellectuals, they will know you have stolen the idea and you will look stupid. It is actually even more impressive if you can drop big author names. People are impressed by this.

Tips 2#
Never actually aspire to ‘do’ anything with your knowledge. This can set you up for crushing disappointment and ruin you in the eyes of others. A true pseudo intellectual only uses his bite-size elements of knowledge to impress, he or she does not use it to make the world a better place.

Warning 1#
Do not try your pseudo tricks on true intellectuals. They will make you look stupid very fast. If you suspect someone is a true intellectual, deflect from your own pseudo status by asking good questions. If you cannot think of good questions to ask the true intellectual, ask flattering questions about how they became so smart. You might learn a few things that you can copy and then use to sound smart with other people.

Warning 2#
Do not read too much! Reading too much can cut into your social calendar and cause you to actually become a true intellectual. You do not want to be a true intellectual because that is no fun and it can fill you with doubt. It is more fun to fake being smart and copy other peoples’ insights than to actually be smart and have to come up with your own original insights.

When you already have your grip on these, you will then become a successful mental masturbation expert or simply, a TRUE MORON. Try it!

And the Award goes to...... ALL OF US!!

But come to think of it, I do feel slightly paranoid now. I think everybody is, at their own adaptation, a pseudo-intellectual, or at least 90% of these self-proclaimed 'true intellectual, smart and cultured' people are.

"The world today doesn't make sense, so why should I paint pictures that do?"
Pablo Picasso

I am a pseudo intellectual. I am a moron.

Demm all of us!