Friday, June 19, 2009

I hate nightmares.

Lame title. Like I care. It's like a 17-year-old girl blogging about what a horrible nightmare she had (what kind of nightmare that's not horrible anyway?). A nightmare about a dragon came to her castle (she's a princess in this nightmare - how ironic) and chases her and she runs until she goes in to the woods and surprisingly and shockingly finds herself a prince and the prince charmingly kills the dragon. What a fucking nightmare, just to imagine it.

But I have a different kind of nightmare. I'm not sure how different it is from you, and trust me, I couldn't be bothered. So just read.

I fell asleep on the couch just now while watching PGA U.S Open. on the ESPN. Maybe a bit too tired and the weather was so hot I slept with sweats. After a while I woke up and felt how uncomfortable my position was, I forced myself to bed. Then fell asleep again.

In my sleep, I had a dream. Not dream. A nightmare. I don't usually have nightmares, only once in a while and most of them are just something superstitious. Ghost, mostly. Or maybe some kind of creatures with a totally screwed-up planet or just stupid things it would just went off instantly the next day.

To my personal interpretation, nightmare is something that could happen to you in real life. A dream so normal and so real but yet, so heartbreaking it involves the images of real people around you, your real job, your house or your car or most of the time, the love of your life. Sometimes you even woke up in the middle of the night, not knowing that your eyes are with tears, dropping and dripping to even sometimes weeping like a small helpless baby, only knowing that it is caused by something we called DREAM. So mysterious yet so fascinating and beautiful, how our sub-conscious mind works when we are physically and sanely on a sleep mode.

So I continued sleeping in my bed. I dreamt.

In my dream, I see someone, someone so dear and so precious to me, whom I can see clearly and I can almost feel the touch in my dream, fades away. The visual of this person dissolves like sugar in hot water, or evaporated like a big piece of iceberg at the North Pole being exposed to a very high temperature as if the Sun is just inches away from it. Extremely fast and unreachable.

For that I hear a voice,

"Don't be sad my love, for I am gone and not coming back again. For I can never come back again. Don't be sad my love, for this is the fate that has been set upon us. For this is the end of us. Don't be sad my love, for I will cherish our memories. For I will treasure it to my deepest heart."

"Don't be afraid my love, for you will find yourself someone better. For you will find the truth and the joy you deserve. Don't be afraid my love, for the past that has gone. For the future of unknown. Don't be afraid my love, to love and to be loved again. To be honest and true to your love."

"My love, please don't cry because it is over, but smile because it happened. Till death do us apart, and till we meet again in the afterlife."

I woke up. My heart was pounding so fast, so unstable, breathing disorder. The sweats were cold but my body was like burning. I looked at my side, and there's no one.

A nightmare is officially a nightmare only when you wake up and feel so disoriented and insecure, and no one around you but your own self. No one to hug, no one hold you close and tell you everything's going to be alright. That my friends, are the worst kind of nightmares.

So I calmed myself down, took couple of deep breaths and stretched my body a little just to get the blood through my brain, an obvious effect for having a nightmare, not enough blood pumped to your brain and you start to hallucinate, only it's in your sleep.

I sat myself on the bed. And even I know it's only just a bad dream, I am just a weak human and littlest things in life is so powerful that you just have to go on with your life.

"Is it really get better, or you just bury it deeper? I chose you, I didn't chose any of these..."

The shortest, the hardest and the saddest word ever exists

I think I should change the title.

"I hate sad nightmares."

Dem mi!

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